A morning of doubt and light
Look towards your inspirations and create.
There is a good amount of tension that’s been building up in me this summer. It’s always summer that this happens. Its fire and it could be many things, mostly because it’s a slow season. As an entrepreneur that work’s success is mainly seasonal I always have to find a middle ground to base myself and wait it out. Though I’ve been doing really well, super happy with dance, working at HGAB Studio’s, my Art Club classes, dreams and little moments sneak up on me sometimes, maybe 10% of the time. I’m sensitive to catching these reoccurrences and snipping them in the butt before it gets out of hand. I can’t be the only one; I know I’m not the only creative this happens to. The past three nights I sleep but not well, with dreams that take me back to high school or some stranger stabbing me and I suddenly wake up – I’ve been over sleeping this week and it’s not fun. My high school dream was combined with college and having this dream makes me think that I am doubting my projects and accomplishments, possibly my goals. I dreamt I had to write my thesis again, looking down at my paper choosing classes “Thesis I and Thesis II in my senior year” and also that someone took my idea of combining dance elements and I asked why the professors didn’t ask me first if that’s been my career for the past 10 plus years. What the hell, right? Lol!
Seriously I woke up this morning and just wrote like crazy in my journal. A short back-story – in college I felt I had a faint voice. My professors didn’t seem to want to cultivate and mentor my ideas of dance and painting, let alone “belly dance.” Figure painting, movement painting, I had so much potential and some fears got in my way. The mentorship was there though weak; however this helped me grow much stronger over the years. I knew what I wanted I just had to explore and search for it while. In part of course, it’s my fault for not asking more questions, but that’s part of the learning process. I’m naturally an optimist. I am braver today and act faster because that.
It’s amazing how our psyche tries to communicate the trouble and how to solve them. Mine come in dreams then through writing and sometimes I get God-given signs.
My conclusion is that we all have our doubts and they can come at unexpected moments – these are one of the best to learn from. I absolutely did not plan on having doubts. I planned it all at the beginning of the summer – my projects, my goals – and I just knew that this process could be very challenging. I cannot discard my goals completely as I like to leave space for changes. The process of painting is similar. The process of creating choreography is similar. Those “happy accidents” are what alter our course in the best way possible.
My inner voice tells me “You paint dancers so they can have a voice when you did not. They are there within the illumination of the paper, their aura beaming before they are revealed by graphite and ink.”
I cannot fear to be wrong all the time either. Look towards your inspirations and create, just keep it going.